In Fine Tuning segments, I share materials I’ve worked on with others. If you’d like similar assistance, get in touch.
STYLE: Application letter
CONTEXT: Ana, a professor at a music school, requests a raise.
OUTCOME: see below
After reviewing the original, I proposed the following:
• use the opening to spotlight recent and notable professional activities and achievements
• “Show, don’t tell,” or present evidence, not description
SUGGESTION 1 – THE OPENING
ORIGINAL
I am writing to request wage renegotiation for the 2024–25 academic year. I am confident my combination of teaching excellence, department and division contributions, and professional activity merits an increase beyond the annual faculty-wide 2.5% raise.
REVISED
I am writing to request wage renegotiation for the 2024–25 academic year. As an interdisciplinary artist, I continue to actively perform as a singer, songwriter, and keyboardist. As a musical director, I was accepted to the New York City based MAESTRA mentorship program, and I maintain a thirty-five year long active membership with the AEA and SAG-AFTRA unions as a professional actor. My ongoing professional experience continually informs my teaching pedagogy in a classroom setting and in teaching individualized instruction.
My comments
The opening should inform and engage the reader: state the reason for writing and summarize the merits of the application. In the revised letter, rather than telling the reader she should receive a raise, Ana shows this with detailed empirical evidence that emphasizes her recent and notable work as a musician. She is active as a performer and director. She continues to develop her own skills as an artist. She recognizes the benefits of leveraging her professional activity in her teaching. Rather than simply taking her word for it, the reader can now observe for themselves that Ana exemplifies good teaching by leveraging her professional experience. Later in the letter, Ana reinforces this point, using testimonials to show how those who study with her benefit from this work.
SUGGESTION 2 – PRESENT EVIDENCE
Note: The identity and identifying details of students are withheld here.
ORIGINAL
[Ana recounted a student success story to illustrate her strengths as an instructor.]
REVISED
My students have benefited from my teaching many ways:
Student 1
[detailed comments about skills honed in Ana’s class]
Student 2
[gratitude for Ana’s artistic and personal mentorship]
Student 3
[appreciation for Ana’s ability to develop a young voice with technique and persistence]
My comments
An application letter is a persuasive style of writing, in which a request should be supported with evidence. Providing background or context – or using narrative for other reasons – is a motion away from persuasion. In this case, the success story included background about the student, a summary of their work with Ana, their achievements after completing their degree, and comments from the student. It was a compelling story, testament to Ana’s abilities and commitment as a teacher. Her teaching benefits many students though. In the revised letter, the success story of a single student is abbreviated and fortified by a larger body of testimonial evidence. In addition to reaping the benefits of a larger sample size, Ana focuses the reader’s attention on her impact on her students, and this material now serves as one part of an uninterrupted argument in support of her request.
OUTCOME
A couple of months after working with Ana, she wrote to say a decision had been made about her request. She included the notification,
“Dear Ana, […] I am pleased to inform you that the college will be increasing your wage as an outcome of your request.”
Nice work, Ana – well deserved!
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