In Fine Tuning segments, I share materials I’ve worked on with others. Each post opens with context and goals. Suggestions follow. I’m using my own material to start – a taste of my own medicine. If you’d like similar assistance, get in touch.
WRITING STYLE: Biography
CONTEXT: I want to include a bio on this website. My current bio hasn’t been updated in several years.
GOAL: The bio should emphasize my recent work and the subject matter for this website. I also want to include teaching and research activity often associated with an academic position.
After reviewing the original, I chose to
• revise the opening to be more informative and engaging,
• increase ease of reading,
• improve the organization.
SUGGESTION 1 – THE OPENING
ORIGINAL
Andrew Shryock is a musicologist whose research examines intersections of music, literature, and aesthetics in eighteenth-century England and specifically in the oratorios of George Frideric Handel.
REVISED
Andrew Shryock works with musicians to achieve their professional goals with clear and engaging writing.
My comments
I’ve written a separate post on the importance of the opening, and it includes a section tracing the development of my bio. In short, the original opening was too complex, didn’t describe what I actually do, and was unlikely to engage the readers on this site. The new version addresses those issues with language that is specific but not convoluted.
SUGGESTION 2 – EASE OF READING
ORIGINAL
Most recently, his work on these topics has appeared in such books and journals as the Newsletter for the American Handel Society, This Is the Sound of Irony: Music, Politics, and Popular Culture (Ashgate, 2015), and Notes: The Journal of the Music Library Association.
REVISED
Andrew’s academic research has appeared in the American Handel Society newsletter, Notes, and This Is the Sound of Irony: Music, Politics, and Popular Culture.
My comments
The second paragraph of my bio was, effectively, a series of lists from my resume. Yawn. Lists masquerading as sentences are common, because they’re easy to write. Copy and paste material from the resume to the bio. Add a few words and commas to make a complete sentence. Voilà! They’re difficult to read and usually uninteresting though.
You probably also noticed I never wasted an opportunity to include a subtitle and details in parentheses. Truth be told, feeling a bit self-conscious, I thought some readers might overlook what I felt was a lack of productivity as they marveled at the lofty academic tone. Unlikely. When the going gets tough, readers lose interest.
Anyone who actually read that second paragraph was more likely impressed with themselves for having survived the ordeal. Most readers either skimmed or skipped it, and to my detriment, their newfound state of partial attention remained with them until they finished reading. In the end, my efforts to achieve the desired effect (i.e., reading more closely) likely produced the opposite.
The moral of the story: a reader is more likely to be impressed by your activities and achievements when they’re described using clear and accessible writing.
SUGGESTION 3 – ORGANIZATION
The organization of the original bio was complex: a standalone opening, a long paragraph on academic research, a short paragraph on past work, and a closing paragraph with academic credentials. Structurally then: opening – long research section – past work – education.
I’ve tried to make the structure simpler and easier to follow in the rewrite.
After a standalone opening, each section now opens with a declaration of its content: “As a professor,” “As a speaker and writer,” “As a historian.” The final paragraph breaks that pattern: I stop using the “As a … “ model at the exact moment I shift from current work to past work. It’s a subtle gesture designed to guide the reader through the bio.
ORIGINAL VERSION
Andrew Shryock is a musicologist whose research examines intersections of music, literature, and aesthetics in 18th-century England and specifically in the music of George Frideric Handel. This interest in music-text relations extends also to hip-hop.
Most recently, his work on these topics has appeared in such books and journals as the Newsletter for the American Handel Society, This Is the Sound of Irony: Music, Politics, and Popular Culture (Ashgate, 2015), and Notes: The Journal of the Music Library Association. He has delivered papers at numerous conferences, including the national meetings of the American Musicological Society, Handel Institute (U.K.), Society for Eighteenth-Century Music, and Society for Textual Scholarship. Shryock regularly provides concert essays and pre-concert lectures for ensembles such as Back Bay Chorale, Rockport Music, Music at Marsh Chapel, New England Classical Singers, and Georgia Tech Chamber Choir (Atlanta).
Before joining the faculty at Boston Conservatory, Shryock taught at Tufts University, the University of Massachusetts Boston, and Boston University. He also served as general manager for the early-music ensemble the Boston Camerata.
Shryock holds a Ph.D. in musicology from Boston University and an M.M. in musicology and B.M. in vocal performance from the Peabody Institute of the Johns Hopkins University.
REVISED VERSION
Andrew Shryock works with musicians to achieve their professional goals with clear and engaging writing. Specifically, he encourages them to craft compelling answers to 3 fundamental questions – Who I am? What I do? Why it matters? – and to tailor (or “tune”) these for specific audiences or opportunities.
As an Associate Professor at Boston Conservatory at Berklee, Andrew teaches courses in academic and professional writing as well as undergraduate and graduate courses in music history. He has also served as an instructor at Boston University, Johns Hopkins University, Tufts University, and University of Massachusetts Boston.
As a writing advisor, Andrew works with students on subjects in academic and professional writing through his department’s writing center. He also wrote and maintains the department’s internal research and writing manual, Writing Guide for Musicians. Through his work as an officer with Berklee Faculty Union, Andrew assists faculty colleagues with applications for promotion and strategies for career advancement, and he wrote and maintains the union’s guide to wage renegotiation. He also serves as a reader for the Rising Voices Awards at WriteBoston, a non-profit that fosters learning and literacy through writing.
As a speaker and writer, Andrew draws on his knowledge from the lecture hall to enrich audience experiences in the concert hall. He regularly gives pre-concert talks and writes program notes. He has worked with Rockport Music, New England Classical Singers, Back Bay Chorale, Emmanuel Music, Georgia Tech Chamber Choir, and Music at Marsh Chapel.
As a historian, Andrew’s academic research has appeared in the Newsletter for the American Handel Society, This Is the Sound of Irony: Music, Politics, and Popular Culture, and Notes. He has given papers at national meetings of the American Musicological Society, Handel Institute (U.K.), Society for Eighteenth-Century Music, and Society for Textual Scholarship.
Andrew Shryock previously served as general manager for the early music ensemble the Boston Camerata. He holds a Ph.D. in musicology from Boston University and an M.M. in musicology and B.M. in vocal performance from the Peabody Conservatory.
Leave a Reply